Learning the Hard Way

I think it's clear that the amount of pain you feel is proportional to how much love you're willing to give. The more you're willing to Love, the stronger the pain of losing that Love.

I'm in a very critical point in my partnership. I think (hope) its still possible for us to rediscover each other and be willing to put in the work to make it work. I think both of us see how much work it really takes, but are scared and intimidated by it. Plus, we're young. We got our lives ahead of us and a lot of growing to do.

Then why does this feel like the most important time in my life?

I know my reasoning and logic are clouded when I'm feeling my emotions spiraling out of control like they currently are. Hopefully getting my thoughts out there will ease the pain... but the following thoughts are clouded by insecurities and self-hatred.

Currently, I feel like "Y" is making it perfectly clear that she'd rather hang out and be with her new found friends over putting in the effort to try and make this partnership work. Every night for a week now, she hasn't been home before 11PM. Then we talk till it's late, wearing both of us out.

I think a lot of my jealousy stems from deep insecurities. In these situations, I'm used to lashing out. I used to say things like "Looks like you're enjoying the single life!" even though we aren't fully single. I used to say things like "You might as well sleep at his place again" even though I know she won't. I used to say things like "Is he bigger or something?" even though I now she would never cheat on me. Now I have those thoughts running through my head but I'm able to keep them in. But I feel my defenses weakening. And what does it mean that I have these thoughts in the first place? Shouldn't I be confident enough to not have any of those thoughts? When will I grow up?

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to try and work with me. I'm stubborn, closed off, and when I feel vulnerable, my privilege runs rampant. It's a dirty game, since I consider myself someone who is well versed in the ways of privilege. I self analyze all the time and without a fresh view, that can get very dangerous. It's an inbreeding of thoughts.

What makes it difficult is the human ability to interpret a situation however they want. I can look at any situation that we're in or she's in and mold it to suit my needs. So for example, Y is spending tons of time with one guy. I could say that she's cheating on me if I want to break up angry and never talk to her again (I don't). I could say that she's leaving me so she can be with him (she isn't). Or I could use the explanation above. If we all have the ability to do this, how do we meet on a common ground? and what if one of us is more stubborn, or is convinced beyond sensible argument? I'm sure there are tons of people like that. How do they make any progress on their relationship? I'm one to actively listen to Y and try to come up with a compromise. There are times when I listen, realize that she's right, and admit that I made a mistake. There are times where I really think we're both right, but I end up compromising (or at least feeling like I'm compromising) for the sake of maintaining relationship zen. And i think that needs to happen too, but it needs to be balanced. Both sides need to sacrifice. I also think it's extremely difficult to recognize or even realize that your partner is making a sacrifice for the relationship since you just finished winning an argument. There are times where I know I'm right, and she's too stubborn to hear me so I don't bother arguing to maintain relationship zen. If this is the case, it will raise red flags in my head from now on. In a partnership, we should be able to listen to each other and recognize that in many cases, because of our past experiences, WE'RE BOTH RIGHT.

That's why open communication is so important in relationships. A friend of mine told me that her and her parter talk about their identities ALL the time. I think this will be my saving grace. I think this requires full openness and trust. This presents a fairly big problem for me though. I'm naturally very closed off, helped of course by a lifetime training in masculinity, which taught me not to have feelings. And if I do, they don't matter and expressing them is showing weakness. In addition, being non-white in this country trains me to trust no one but myself. I feel like EVERY single time I've revealed my feelings or something about my past, I got BURNED. Hopefully, whoever I befriend will understand how long it takes for me to trust. And hopefully I reveal early that aspect of my identity so they know.