Using Me Against Me

One of my favorite quotes is from an article from Racialicious.com:

"potentially we like to refer to people in halves, becuase even as the entire world is an inextricable, bloody mash-up of hundreds of different ethnic groups, we still like to imagine racial groups as separate, impenetrable, sanitised entities."

This resonated deep in my core. I can't tell you how many times my racial identity has been separated, pitted against each other, and always, always used against me. For example, I get an A on an exam and my classmates say "Pshaw, it's cuz you're Asian and you're good at math," as if I am genetically predispositioned to ace a test. It's not that I studied long hours, its cuz of my race. "You didn't get an A on that test? What's wrong with you? Your whiteness is showing." Cuz you know... White people like yourself pass on the idiot gene through the family.

So today at work, my boss, who identifies as a white female, who's from Atlanta, told me she went to an "Asian Fusion" restaurant. I had eaten there a few times before, andI'm pretty sure it's owned by a Korean, but the man makes great sushi. She asked me during the course of our conversation whether or not I've had a sake bomb (notice that the person in the picture appears to be white).

I immediately responded, "No, and I never will"

Her: "Why"

Me: "Because it's an insult to my culture."

Her: "Why? You're half white"

TRIGGER

I'm not sure how it happens, but ignorance still manages to surprise me by kicking me in the balls from time to time.

Honestly, if she would have let me explain, I don't think it would have been an issue. But she immediately coupled the "why" with my racial identity. She had already made up her mind that in no way was a sake bomb insulting to me by denying my Japanese-ness and not even caring to listen to an explanation. I felt like she was saying I can be either a white american or Japanese, not both. And maybe this one incident by itself is fairly insignificant, and I should shrug it off. But the cumulative effect of my entire life experience makes this one incident very significant. And honestly, if I, the more Japanese one out of the two of us, says that sake bombs are an insult to my culture, I shouldn't have to explain myself. Just fucking take it as it is. A quick Wikipedia look up and you'll understand.

The fact is, being Japanese is an enormous part of who I am and it's a culture I identify with. What I struggle with most is identifying as an American, because for me that implies that an American is white. In addition, I struggle with the fact that I am an American first. Since the sake bomb is strictly an American invention, shouldn't I be cool with it? What is it about my Japanese culture that "trumps" this aspect of my United Statesian culture? Am I actually separating my races on my own?

If sake bombs are actually in reference to the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, then people should stop cuz that's just sick and wrong.

Personally, I have great reverence for rice. My ancestors basically lived off it. It's used in many different ways and it has many deep cultural meanings. Sake is a part of that culture (since sake is wine made from rice). And yes, there are many similarities in Japan's alcohol culture to the US (although just from my experience, I'm not sure people binge there as much. But I'm not an expert). It's not like sake is worshipped (by most people). And I don't care if you like sake bombs. Do your thing. It's just that I would never do it and I think maybe my boss interpreted my response as if I was asking her to never do it.

Anyway, beyond the initial ignorance, I couldn't bring up the nerve to talk to her about it later. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even notice that something deeply emotional was stirring inside me. I just couldn't find the energy and patience it would take to have that conversation. Plus, I didn't want to show vulnerability to someone who just hurt me without really knowing. If she could inadvertently (I think it was inadvertent... Maybe she knew she was using my race against me but didn't/couldn't know the impact) use my race against me, imagine what she could do on purpose if I opened up to her and explained that I was hurt by what she said. For me, it was a risk to bring it up.

And guess what's most messed up about this whole thing? I feel guilty. I have guilt for letting an opportunity to educate pass me by. I have guilt that I didn't handle the situation better. I feel guilt for still feeling triggered by ignorance.

Fuck guilt...

Positive Privilege?

So recently, I've been working on a wonderful, almost perfect relationship with a wonderful, pretty much perfect individual. That's why I haven't written in quite some time. But I was on facebook this morning and came across this article by Tim Wise, author of White Like Me:

http://ephphatha-poetry.blogspot.com/2010/04/imagine-if-tea-party-was-black-tim-wise.html#comment-form

I'm not sure how to repost stuff and make it legit so hopefully this qualifies.

When I read the article, I was thinking to myself, "Cool, this is typical Tim Wise. Great stuff." But then I got to the comments section and I began to feel a myriad of emotions, which is pretty typical of what comment sections do for me.

I expected idiots like Neil, plxrobert, tuffguy183, skinnies_eats, Atlanta, and Gabe to post something that completely misses the point. If I want more of that, I would just go to macon d's blog, stuff white people do.

What really got me thinking was the huge majority of responses that praised the crap out of Mr. Wise or simply said something along the lines of "Thank you, you're the shit!" And most of those commenters appeared to be white.

Here's my deal. People of Color (PoC) have been saying what Mr. Wise has been saying and seeing what Mr. Wise has been seeing for centuries. One commenter, Whitaker, even said "Progressive Black, White, Asian, and Latino Americans have been too silent." Excuse me?!? In the immortal rant of Dr. Cox, Wrong! (Watch it, it's my fav) Actually, oppressed people have been screaming and yelling since the beginning of oppression. Oppressors have the privilege of selective hearing. We (as in people fighting for equality in general) aren't silent, we're never silent. It's just that people like Whitaker don't listen. In many cases, they choose not to.

So my beef is that when a white person posts something anti-racist, the post gets 90 comments about how much God has blessed that white person. Now imagine if I posted something like that. Or if any other PoC posted something like that. If you aren't President Obama, you ain't getting 90 comments of praise. You're getting 100+ comments of ignorant diatribe that would deflate the mood of the most resilient activist. An article by a PoC would either be read five times so it can be picked apart for mistakes, or not even read at all. So what is it that grants white people inherent credibility in matters of race? Men in matters of gender? Heteros in matters of LGBT? (etc...) Why is it so hard for dominant identities (white, male, middle class, straight, Christian, etc...) to realize that the people who live as marginalized identities, who must confront that identity on a daily basis, have more experience in such matters? Doesn't that experience give PoC more credibility in matters of race? Women in the matter of gender? etc...


Privilege is ugly. Its pervasiveness is scary. I think the comment section on that post goes beyond each person displaying some form of white privilege, but the section itself was an entity of whiteness. How do we fight that sort of force?


Actually, maybe the real question is should we fight that? Is this a good thing? Since Mr. Wise has that privilege, should he use it for education and leadership? Is this a positive form of privilege? Is there such a thing?


Maybe I should rename the blog to "Questions of a 20-some year old multiracial kid"?

Yellow Gatorade

Sometimes I wonder if my favorite flavor of gatorade is lemon-lime because the yellow color of the drink matches the yellow skin of some of my ancestors...

"What Nationality Are You?"

I don't care how colorblind you think you are, if you grew up in American society, a society of boxes, you see differences in skin and gender. In addition, I believe we all have assumptions based on someone's outward appearance that automatically register in our subconscious. When you see an Asian man, there are immediate responses and images in your head that you are aware of or not. A woman came to my place of work, a restaurant, and while I served her some soup she straight up asked me "What nationality are you?"

Now, if you are not multiracial or mixed or however you choose to identify, listen closely because the answer to this question is this:

It's none of your fucking business

The question "who are you" and its variations are a form of othering. Why? Because you don't run around asking everyone you meet this question, just the people who don't fit neatly into your race boxes. Most mixed race people experience a life time of this. In addition, there is lots of pressure to choose a racial identity from the outside. Although this may be the case for many mixed raced people, I interpret my experience a little differently. I feel like when I revealed that I was half-Japanese, people automatically registered that as exotic or unusual or foreign. When  I revealed my identity, I was no longer all of me, but "half" of me. People completely forgot about my white identity and automatically grilled me on what made me exotic and different. "COOL can you speak it? Will you speak some right now? What does this mean, "ching chong ching chong ching wing wang?" Have you heard this joke?"

Regardless, there are typically very painful experiences associated with the question "What are you?", and when this woman asked me what my nationality was at my work, all of these experiences flashed through my mind. Typically, I reply like a smart ass by answering the question in "the wrong way". Usually my answer to "What nationality are you?" is "Oh I'm American, specifically United States-ian" or something along those lines. Here's the kicker... In this particular situation, I straight up told the woman that I was Hapa, Half-Japanese and Half-White. Why? Because she appeared to be a woman of color. If she looked white, or if it was a white man, I would fight to keep my identity to myself.

So what is the difference between a white person asking and a person of color (PoC) asking?

The woman immediately identified herself as the same thing. There was an immediate connection between us that I rarely feel. The knowledge and experience, though unique, are the same. But it wasn't a verbal gushing between us. It was just a knowing smile. She appeared to be much older than me. I wanted to know if my experience differed from hers because she seemed to be from a different generation.

I later realized that this is probably a uniquely mixed race person experience.

Anyway, the difference between a white person and a PoC asking is simple to me. Generally, I think the intentions behind the question are very different depending on who is asking the question. White people are "curious" and want to figure out where I fit in their mental race boxes. PoC, particularly mixed folks, are interested on who I am and understand that my racial identity plays a big role in my life. The difference, as you can see, is the fact that I know that PoC are trying to get to know me, where as I feel like white people are just trying to "figure me out". Like it's a game. In addition, I have many negative experiences associated with white people asking "What are you?"

I hope one day I can feel like everyone's intention is to get to know me so I don't have to feel like I'm on my guard about my identity all the time.

Want a heavy dose of Privilege? Go to the gym!

I recently got a membership to 24-hour fitness. I was excited! Now that I'm paying for it, I have no excuse not to go the gym and get back into the shape that I envision for myself. And I have gone every single day since. Why didn't I do this earlier?!? Oh yea, the rampant misogyny and coupled with that to a lesser extent, homophobia.

I think the most difficult aspect of going to this particular gym for me is how often I have to check myself. I can't believe how ingrained my reactions are when I see a woman that I find attractive. It's instantaneous. My eyes snap from face to butt before I have a chance to think about it. I beat myself up every time that happens but it's pretty out of control.

Is it possible for me to appreciate how physically attractive a stranger is without any sort of objectification?

No.

Staring is a form of objectification. "Appreciating" someone's physical appearance is a form of objectification because there is no way to know that person beyond their outward, physical appearance.

There was a guy who walked up to two women and said "you know, every time I see you two lift, you always have really good form!" My lifting partner and I looked at each other like "Did that really happen? What a fuckin creeper!" But when I started to break it down, I realized that he was being sincere and probably really meant it as a compliment. But at the same time, he doesn't realize the impact of what he's saying. The two women were visibly uncomfortable and quickly moved to a different exercise. What if they were in the middle of a set and this guy confronting them caused them to shorten their work out? That's not fair. I felt like it was the perfect manifestation of Intent vs. Impact and how much privilege can affect that because that guy had no clue what the impact of his compliment was.

Then I started to feel conflicted. I wanted to say something. But at the same time, being a male, I didn't want to come off as "saving" these women as if they can't take care of themselves. Even if my intention was that I personally wanted to make the space safer by telling this guy that what he said was inappropriate, it could be perceived in any number of ways. I guess my question is, if I make that guy more aware of the impact of his words, despite his intent, does it really matter if I come off as a savior? Is there a right way and a wrong way to create safer spaces?

One thing I have to remember is my privileged perspective. I didn't immediately think that when a woman goes to the gym, they have to contend with all of those eyes, and who knows what's going through the minds of the men blatantly staring at a woman's ass. I can't imagine the cumulative effect of negotiating those thoughts every single trip to the gym. I can do my part by not contributing to that.

The friend I went to the gym with identifies as a gay Chinese man. We are extremely good friends and we talk about our identities all the time and the effects of privilege and the different perspectives we come across. Usually, we're both very open about talking about queer issues, but I hold back a lot of our identity talk at the gym. I feel unsafe revealing his identity (and mine to some extent) because of my perception of the people who use this gym. I have heard of more attacks in my town on queer folk than I have about racially charged attacks. So the fear of being ourselves is very prevalent in my consciousness while we're lifting at this particular gym. That's bullshit. I should be able to talk about whatever the hell I want without the fear of getting jumped in the locker room or the parking lot. But the reality of our situation is very different.

Perhaps that is a measuring stick for how far we've come. The gym seems like the final frontier for conquering privilege in many forms.