This resonated deep in my core. I can't tell you how many times my racial identity has been separated, pitted against each other, and always, always used against me. For example, I get an A on an exam and my classmates say "Pshaw, it's cuz you're Asian and you're good at math," as if I am genetically predispositioned to ace a test. It's not that I studied long hours, its cuz of my race. "You didn't get an A on that test? What's wrong with you? Your whiteness is showing." Cuz you know... White people like yourself pass on the idiot gene through the family.
So today at work, my boss, who identifies as a white female, who's from Atlanta, told me she went to an "Asian Fusion" restaurant. I had eaten there a few times before, andI'm pretty sure it's owned by a Korean, but the man makes great sushi. She asked me during the course of our conversation whether or not I've had a sake bomb (notice that the person in the picture appears to be white).
I immediately responded, "No, and I never will"
Her: "Why"
Me: "Because it's an insult to my culture."
Her: "Why? You're half white"
TRIGGER
I'm not sure how it happens, but ignorance still manages to surprise me by kicking me in the balls from time to time.
Honestly, if she would have let me explain, I don't think it would have been an issue. But she immediately coupled the "why" with my racial identity. She had already made up her mind that in no way was a sake bomb insulting to me by denying my Japanese-ness and not even caring to listen to an explanation. I felt like she was saying I can be either a white american or Japanese, not both. And maybe this one incident by itself is fairly insignificant, and I should shrug it off. But the cumulative effect of my entire life experience makes this one incident very significant. And honestly, if I, the more Japanese one out of the two of us, says that sake bombs are an insult to my culture, I shouldn't have to explain myself. Just fucking take it as it is. A quick Wikipedia look up and you'll understand.
The fact is, being Japanese is an enormous part of who I am and it's a culture I identify with. What I struggle with most is identifying as an American, because for me that implies that an American is white. In addition, I struggle with the fact that I am an American first. Since the sake bomb is strictly an American invention, shouldn't I be cool with it? What is it about my Japanese culture that "trumps" this aspect of my United Statesian culture? Am I actually separating my races on my own?
If sake bombs are actually in reference to the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, then people should stop cuz that's just sick and wrong.
Personally, I have great reverence for rice. My ancestors basically lived off it. It's used in many different ways and it has many deep cultural meanings. Sake is a part of that culture (since sake is wine made from rice). And yes, there are many similarities in Japan's alcohol culture to the US (although just from my experience, I'm not sure people binge there as much. But I'm not an expert). It's not like sake is worshipped (by most people). And I don't care if you like sake bombs. Do your thing. It's just that I would never do it and I think maybe my boss interpreted my response as if I was asking her to never do it.
Anyway, beyond the initial ignorance, I couldn't bring up the nerve to talk to her about it later. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even notice that something deeply emotional was stirring inside me. I just couldn't find the energy and patience it would take to have that conversation. Plus, I didn't want to show vulnerability to someone who just hurt me without really knowing. If she could inadvertently (I think it was inadvertent... Maybe she knew she was using my race against me but didn't/couldn't know the impact) use my race against me, imagine what she could do on purpose if I opened up to her and explained that I was hurt by what she said. For me, it was a risk to bring it up.
And guess what's most messed up about this whole thing? I feel guilty. I have guilt for letting an opportunity to educate pass me by. I have guilt that I didn't handle the situation better. I feel guilt for still feeling triggered by ignorance.
Fuck guilt...
I read all your posts.
ReplyDeleteYou once told me not to forget I was half-white. And I haven't since.
Do you appreciate/associate more with our Japanese heritage or white heritage? Or does it even matter?
I think from the very nature of growing up in the US, we have to identify strongly with being Japanese. And I think that may affect me more than you but I don't know what your experience is. I always figured that I had to spend my time revealing that I am Japanese and white, and you had to prove that you're Japanese and white.
ReplyDeletePlus, it's hard appreciating/associating with being white. You know what that means? Look at white people's (our people's) looooong history of oppression and straight fucked up-ness. How can I identify with that? Sure there are tons of other things white people have done that is good that we could identify with, but it's kinda cheap to just identify with just the good stuff since I've been trying to tell people that I'm BOTH asian/white.
So instead, it's better to distance yourself from the "bad" aspects of our white heritage and only focus on the "good" aspects of not being white?
ReplyDeleteYou say that like the Japanese haven't done anything bad in the past (Unit 731, Comfort Women, etc.), or any other ethnicity is clean of what they have done in the past. Why are we, as individuals, held responsible for what others have committed in the past?
You're right. It's easy for me to ignore the bad in our heritage. But I acknowledge it too. The Japanese did some terrible things to the Chinese and Koreans. My ability to identify with only the good in Japanese heritage and focus on the bad of whiteness is a privilege.
ReplyDeleteAnd its not really about shouldering the responsibility for what others have committed in the past. We continue to feel the effects of past discrimination. Today, there are very real systematic and institutional obstacles for marginalized (minority) groups that were passed down from generation to generation. So we, as individuals who may or may not benefit from those systems, have a responsibility to do the right thing by working to reverse that and level the playing field.
But in such an individualistic mentality that the US philosophy and capitalism fosters, I don't see a whole lot of altruism going around. It saddens me that when 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted by the time they graduate college, a lot of men say "its not my problem, I don't rape" when really the reaction should be "holy shit, what can I do to make that better?" It angers me that laws like the one in Arizona get passed. It angers me that Asian kids are getting beat down in Philly just cuz they're Asian. I feel that pain and it drives me to make it better. It drives me to work on my own prejudices as an individual and try to make life make more sense for our kids.
Hey so I'm a 20 something white girl who lives in Atlanta. Reading your story made me cringe. I'm really sorry that your boss was so insensitive. I read about these things that upset you (like when someone asks you your nationality) and it makes me wonder at how insensitive I've been at times.
ReplyDeleteI used to take the "colorblind" approach to life, trying to treat everyone the same despite their color. But I've come to realize that's wrong. God isn't colorblind. He made us all different. A tapestry would be dull if all the strands were one color. Instead, He wants us to embrace and celebrate each other's (and our own) cultural identities.
So I see your blog as something beautiful. Because you're not afraid to talk about your racial identity. I would like to know about what you celebrate in your own cultural identity. What do you admire most about your Japanese culture? What about your American?
And as a white person, it's hard to realize that I have a racial identity too. What is a white person's culture?
A lot of times I've felt guilty for being white. I feel like a white person's history is dominated by how we've oppressed other peoples. I'm in the majority. I'm "privileged". I'm part of a people of oppressors who encourage discrimination. So I felt guilty about being white. But how does one apologize for being born?
My only conclusion is that you can't. If you do that, you aren't respecting who you are or who God made you to be.
A! I'm late for work! Sorry for cutting out.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and thank you for commenting. I'm happy to hear that this has made some sort of impact...
I think feelings of guilt for white folks revolves around not having the space to talk about your racial identity. Since so much identity stuff revolves around what it means to be "ethnic", being white tends to become taboo. So i think you could alleviate those feelings by finding others who feel and think like you and have the conversations about what it means to be white.
As far as white person's culture goes, its not that different from other majority cultures around the world. Yes there are tons of negative things that have happened. Yes tons of negative things continue to happen.
But we shouldn't overlook the positive. Out of the many many things that are left out of our education regarding these issues we are talking about is the history of white allies and advocates for people of color. There is a long and storied history of white advocates that conveniently gets left out of the stories. White people were at The Million Man March and MLK's speech. White people advocated hard against the interment of Japanese American citizens and countless other injustices of the "white" American government. That is a history that you can be proud of!
What i'm mostly concerned about are those feelings of "white guilt". They are useless to me. but I also recognize it as part of the process for white identification. so keep on listening! and reading! and writing! and talking! but mostly listening! lol
anywhoo, this has become way too long. I'll always be open to chat about this stuff so don't be shy! I won't yell. or make you feel bad for who you are