Where to begin?
How does my mind articulate my heart and soul? How does my conscious clarify my subconscious?
Life. Death. Pain. Love. Four words with infinite intersectionality. There's no right or wrong way to love. There's no right or wrong way to deal with pain. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no right or wrong way to show support.
When a loved one dies, everything becomes unstable. At the same time, everything becomes clear. I've never seen such poise and integrity in handling the most difficult decisions imaginable when it comes to the process of burying a Son/Husband/Father/Friend. People are listening intentionally to each other when they usually speak over each other. People I have never hugged have soaked my shoulder with tears. People afraid to show love have it radiating from their eyes.
Everything is the same. But everything is different. All the roads we drive on are the same, but the destinations carry new significance. The people we see on a daily basis are the same, but all of our perspectives have dramatically shifted. We go to sleep everyday, but it seems like wasted time. We wake up, then we cry.
I have yet to drop a tear. I am incapable. Even when I put my dog down, holding his chest, feeling the last rattle... Even when I see your 4-year-old draw his masterpiece for his daddy... Even when I held your 11-year-old trying to fill the hole in his heart and soul... Even through your cold, shuddering, helpless tears. Tears are validating for some people. I worry everyday that people don't think I care.
The death of your husband brings about feelings of impossibility. I wasn't close to his family. But I am close to your children. Although it would be difficult to sum up the magnitude of the relationship between you and your late husband, we have talked about it often. I was always a little jealous of your relationship. Watching you two be together, it's clear to me that you understood each other, the good and the bad, better than anyone else on the planet. The way you interacted, spoke to each other, listened to each other, and supported each other, it was clear that their souls are deeply intertwined. That kind of understanding of another human being is rare and beautiful. It's something I have never experienced. Something for you and I to build together. Something I am willing to commit to for the rest of my life.
It's impossible to imagine the pain you feel. Pain is directly proportional Love. And you loved him beyond words. I imagine that the ripping of the soul is hell. Watching your soul tear to pieces is my hell. At the same time, it's important to recognize that it's a necessary process. Don't feel bad. Don't hide it. I would rather be there for you through hell than away and comfortable in my own world. I'd walk through the fires to help you.
During times of stress, I always feel the internal battle of wrestling with my sanity. I feel like my emotions, my livelihood, my sanity, and my very being is encased in a glass ball that gets thinner and thinner when times get harder and overwhelming. I fight to keep the the ball intact because I despise the feeling of losing it all. I loath the feeling of losing my self. So when I cry, you should know that the glass has broke.
When people tell me that "just being there helps," I think to myself that it's not good enough. Even if it is enough for some people, for me it's not. Just being there is succumbing to feelings of hopeless helplessness. It kills me to have to rely on time to make things "better" when time isn't reliable.
The hardest part is helping by getting out of the way or leaving you alone. You needed time alone with his body. You need to sleep next to your kids.
Life brings people together.
Death brings people together.
Pain brings people together.
Love brings people together.
If When you and I get through this, we will be strong, as individuals and as a couple. I have faith in our life. I believe in our love. You are the One. I love you. You and your children's tears are forever embedded within my chest. I want us to grow roots together. I want our branches to intertwine. I want our trunks to meld.
Where to begin?
Truly Yours,
Me
P.S.
As I was driving to work the other day, I passed a farm. It was a field of young corn (I think) that looked like tall grass. The wind was blowing and the sun was low and it hit the grass just right so it looked like the waves of the ocean. It was peaceful. It was serene. It was precious to me to see two beautiful landscapes being combined into one and making a memorable moment. The whole scene reminded me of you. It was on the rolling hills, with the Rocky's in the background, your favorite landscape. It was reminiscent of the oceans, which I associate with your stay in Maine. But mostly, it reminded me of the deep conflict within you, to miss your husband and love him while being with me and loving me. The landscape reminded me that it is possible to bring together two completely different loves into one entity and create something beautiful, peaceful, comforting, and perfect.
I love you.
June 16, 2010
May 4, 2010
Using Me Against Me
One of my favorite quotes is from an article from Racialicious.com:
This resonated deep in my core. I can't tell you how many times my racial identity has been separated, pitted against each other, and always, always used against me. For example, I get an A on an exam and my classmates say "Pshaw, it's cuz you're Asian and you're good at math," as if I am genetically predispositioned to ace a test. It's not that I studied long hours, its cuz of my race. "You didn't get an A on that test? What's wrong with you? Your whiteness is showing." Cuz you know... White people like yourself pass on the idiot gene through the family.
So today at work, my boss, who identifies as a white female, who's from Atlanta, told me she went to an "Asian Fusion" restaurant. I had eaten there a few times before, andI'm pretty sure it's owned by a Korean, but the man makes great sushi. She asked me during the course of our conversation whether or not I've had a sake bomb (notice that the person in the picture appears to be white).
I immediately responded, "No, and I never will"
Her: "Why"
Me: "Because it's an insult to my culture."
Her: "Why? You're half white"
TRIGGER
I'm not sure how it happens, but ignorance still manages to surprise me by kicking me in the balls from time to time.
Honestly, if she would have let me explain, I don't think it would have been an issue. But she immediately coupled the "why" with my racial identity. She had already made up her mind that in no way was a sake bomb insulting to me by denying my Japanese-ness and not even caring to listen to an explanation. I felt like she was saying I can be either a white american or Japanese, not both. And maybe this one incident by itself is fairly insignificant, and I should shrug it off. But the cumulative effect of my entire life experience makes this one incident very significant. And honestly, if I, the more Japanese one out of the two of us, says that sake bombs are an insult to my culture, I shouldn't have to explain myself. Just fucking take it as it is. A quick Wikipedia look up and you'll understand.
The fact is, being Japanese is an enormous part of who I am and it's a culture I identify with. What I struggle with most is identifying as an American, because for me that implies that an American is white. In addition, I struggle with the fact that I am an American first. Since the sake bomb is strictly an American invention, shouldn't I be cool with it? What is it about my Japanese culture that "trumps" this aspect of my United Statesian culture? Am I actually separating my races on my own?
If sake bombs are actually in reference to the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, then people should stop cuz that's just sick and wrong.
Personally, I have great reverence for rice. My ancestors basically lived off it. It's used in many different ways and it has many deep cultural meanings. Sake is a part of that culture (since sake is wine made from rice). And yes, there are many similarities in Japan's alcohol culture to the US (although just from my experience, I'm not sure people binge there as much. But I'm not an expert). It's not like sake is worshipped (by most people). And I don't care if you like sake bombs. Do your thing. It's just that I would never do it and I think maybe my boss interpreted my response as if I was asking her to never do it.
Anyway, beyond the initial ignorance, I couldn't bring up the nerve to talk to her about it later. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even notice that something deeply emotional was stirring inside me. I just couldn't find the energy and patience it would take to have that conversation. Plus, I didn't want to show vulnerability to someone who just hurt me without really knowing. If she could inadvertently (I think it was inadvertent... Maybe she knew she was using my race against me but didn't/couldn't know the impact) use my race against me, imagine what she could do on purpose if I opened up to her and explained that I was hurt by what she said. For me, it was a risk to bring it up.
And guess what's most messed up about this whole thing? I feel guilty. I have guilt for letting an opportunity to educate pass me by. I have guilt that I didn't handle the situation better. I feel guilt for still feeling triggered by ignorance.
Fuck guilt...
This resonated deep in my core. I can't tell you how many times my racial identity has been separated, pitted against each other, and always, always used against me. For example, I get an A on an exam and my classmates say "Pshaw, it's cuz you're Asian and you're good at math," as if I am genetically predispositioned to ace a test. It's not that I studied long hours, its cuz of my race. "You didn't get an A on that test? What's wrong with you? Your whiteness is showing." Cuz you know... White people like yourself pass on the idiot gene through the family.
So today at work, my boss, who identifies as a white female, who's from Atlanta, told me she went to an "Asian Fusion" restaurant. I had eaten there a few times before, andI'm pretty sure it's owned by a Korean, but the man makes great sushi. She asked me during the course of our conversation whether or not I've had a sake bomb (notice that the person in the picture appears to be white).
I immediately responded, "No, and I never will"
Her: "Why"
Me: "Because it's an insult to my culture."
Her: "Why? You're half white"
TRIGGER
I'm not sure how it happens, but ignorance still manages to surprise me by kicking me in the balls from time to time.
Honestly, if she would have let me explain, I don't think it would have been an issue. But she immediately coupled the "why" with my racial identity. She had already made up her mind that in no way was a sake bomb insulting to me by denying my Japanese-ness and not even caring to listen to an explanation. I felt like she was saying I can be either a white american or Japanese, not both. And maybe this one incident by itself is fairly insignificant, and I should shrug it off. But the cumulative effect of my entire life experience makes this one incident very significant. And honestly, if I, the more Japanese one out of the two of us, says that sake bombs are an insult to my culture, I shouldn't have to explain myself. Just fucking take it as it is. A quick Wikipedia look up and you'll understand.
The fact is, being Japanese is an enormous part of who I am and it's a culture I identify with. What I struggle with most is identifying as an American, because for me that implies that an American is white. In addition, I struggle with the fact that I am an American first. Since the sake bomb is strictly an American invention, shouldn't I be cool with it? What is it about my Japanese culture that "trumps" this aspect of my United Statesian culture? Am I actually separating my races on my own?
If sake bombs are actually in reference to the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, then people should stop cuz that's just sick and wrong.
Personally, I have great reverence for rice. My ancestors basically lived off it. It's used in many different ways and it has many deep cultural meanings. Sake is a part of that culture (since sake is wine made from rice). And yes, there are many similarities in Japan's alcohol culture to the US (although just from my experience, I'm not sure people binge there as much. But I'm not an expert). It's not like sake is worshipped (by most people). And I don't care if you like sake bombs. Do your thing. It's just that I would never do it and I think maybe my boss interpreted my response as if I was asking her to never do it.
Anyway, beyond the initial ignorance, I couldn't bring up the nerve to talk to her about it later. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even notice that something deeply emotional was stirring inside me. I just couldn't find the energy and patience it would take to have that conversation. Plus, I didn't want to show vulnerability to someone who just hurt me without really knowing. If she could inadvertently (I think it was inadvertent... Maybe she knew she was using my race against me but didn't/couldn't know the impact) use my race against me, imagine what she could do on purpose if I opened up to her and explained that I was hurt by what she said. For me, it was a risk to bring it up.
And guess what's most messed up about this whole thing? I feel guilty. I have guilt for letting an opportunity to educate pass me by. I have guilt that I didn't handle the situation better. I feel guilt for still feeling triggered by ignorance.
Fuck guilt...
April 29, 2010
Positive Privilege?
So recently, I've been working on a wonderful, almost perfect relationship with a wonderful, pretty much perfect individual. That's why I haven't written in quite some time. But I was on facebook this morning and came across this article by Tim Wise, author of White Like Me:
I'm not sure how to repost stuff and make it legit so hopefully this qualifies.
When I read the article, I was thinking to myself, "Cool, this is typical Tim Wise. Great stuff." But then I got to the comments section and I began to feel a myriad of emotions, which is pretty typical of what comment sections do for me.
I expected idiots like Neil, plxrobert, tuffguy183, skinnies_eats, Atlanta, and Gabe to post something that completely misses the point. If I want more of that, I would just go to macon d's blog, stuff white people do.
What really got me thinking was the huge majority of responses that praised the crap out of Mr. Wise or simply said something along the lines of "Thank you, you're the shit!" And most of those commenters appeared to be white.
Here's my deal. People of Color (PoC) have been saying what Mr. Wise has been saying and seeing what Mr. Wise has been seeing for centuries. One commenter, Whitaker, even said "Progressive Black, White, Asian, and Latino Americans have been too silent." Excuse me?!? In the immortal rant of Dr. Cox, Wrong! (Watch it, it's my fav) Actually, oppressed people have been screaming and yelling since the beginning of oppression. Oppressors have the privilege of selective hearing. We (as in people fighting for equality in general) aren't silent, we're never silent. It's just that people like Whitaker don't listen. In many cases, they choose not to.
So my beef is that when a white person posts something anti-racist, the post gets 90 comments about how much God has blessed that white person. Now imagine if I posted something like that. Or if any other PoC posted something like that. If you aren't President Obama, you ain't getting 90 comments of praise. You're getting 100+ comments of ignorant diatribe that would deflate the mood of the most resilient activist. An article by a PoC would either be read five times so it can be picked apart for mistakes, or not even read at all. So what is it that grants white people inherent credibility in matters of race? Men in matters of gender? Heteros in matters of LGBT? (etc...) Why is it so hard for dominant identities (white, male, middle class, straight, Christian, etc...) to realize that the people who live as marginalized identities, who must confront that identity on a daily basis, have more experience in such matters? Doesn't that experience give PoC more credibility in matters of race? Women in the matter of gender? etc...
Privilege is ugly. Its pervasiveness is scary. I think the comment section on that post goes beyond each person displaying some form of white privilege, but the section itself was an entity of whiteness. How do we fight that sort of force?
Actually, maybe the real question is should we fight that? Is this a good thing? Since Mr. Wise has that privilege, should he use it for education and leadership? Is this a positive form of privilege? Is there such a thing?
Maybe I should rename the blog to "Questions of a 20-some year old multiracial kid"?
Privilege is ugly. Its pervasiveness is scary. I think the comment section on that post goes beyond each person displaying some form of white privilege, but the section itself was an entity of whiteness. How do we fight that sort of force?
Actually, maybe the real question is should we fight that? Is this a good thing? Since Mr. Wise has that privilege, should he use it for education and leadership? Is this a positive form of privilege? Is there such a thing?
Maybe I should rename the blog to "Questions of a 20-some year old multiracial kid"?
March 18, 2010
Yellow Gatorade
Sometimes I wonder if my favorite flavor of gatorade is lemon-lime because the yellow color of the drink matches the yellow skin of some of my ancestors...
March 17, 2010
"What Nationality Are You?"
I don't care how colorblind you think you are, if you grew up in American society, a society of boxes, you see differences in skin and gender. In addition, I believe we all have assumptions based on someone's outward appearance that automatically register in our subconscious. When you see an Asian man, there are immediate responses and images in your head that you are aware of or not. A woman came to my place of work, a restaurant, and while I served her some soup she straight up asked me "What nationality are you?"
Now, if you are not multiracial or mixed or however you choose to identify, listen closely because the answer to this question is this:
It's none of your fucking business
The question "who are you" and its variations are a form of othering. Why? Because you don't run around asking everyone you meet this question, just the people who don't fit neatly into your race boxes. Most mixed race people experience a life time of this. In addition, there is lots of pressure to choose a racial identity from the outside. Although this may be the case for many mixed raced people, I interpret my experience a little differently. I feel like when I revealed that I was half-Japanese, people automatically registered that as exotic or unusual or foreign. When I revealed my identity, I was no longer all of me, but "half" of me. People completely forgot about my white identity and automatically grilled me on what made me exotic and different. "COOL can you speak it? Will you speak some right now? What does this mean, "ching chong ching chong ching wing wang?" Have you heard this joke?"
Regardless, there are typically very painful experiences associated with the question "What are you?", and when this woman asked me what my nationality was at my work, all of these experiences flashed through my mind. Typically, I reply like a smart ass by answering the question in "the wrong way". Usually my answer to "What nationality are you?" is "Oh I'm American, specifically United States-ian" or something along those lines. Here's the kicker... In this particular situation, I straight up told the woman that I was Hapa, Half-Japanese and Half-White. Why? Because she appeared to be a woman of color. If she looked white, or if it was a white man, I would fight to keep my identity to myself.
So what is the difference between a white person asking and a person of color (PoC) asking?
The woman immediately identified herself as the same thing. There was an immediate connection between us that I rarely feel. The knowledge and experience, though unique, are the same. But it wasn't a verbal gushing between us. It was just a knowing smile. She appeared to be much older than me. I wanted to know if my experience differed from hers because she seemed to be from a different generation.
I later realized that this is probably a uniquely mixed race person experience.
Anyway, the difference between a white person and a PoC asking is simple to me. Generally, I think the intentions behind the question are very different depending on who is asking the question. White people are "curious" and want to figure out where I fit in their mental race boxes. PoC, particularly mixed folks, are interested on who I am and understand that my racial identity plays a big role in my life. The difference, as you can see, is the fact that I know that PoC are trying to get to know me, where as I feel like white people are just trying to "figure me out". Like it's a game. In addition, I have many negative experiences associated with white people asking "What are you?"
I hope one day I can feel like everyone's intention is to get to know me so I don't have to feel like I'm on my guard about my identity all the time.
It's none of your fucking business
The question "who are you" and its variations are a form of othering. Why? Because you don't run around asking everyone you meet this question, just the people who don't fit neatly into your race boxes. Most mixed race people experience a life time of this. In addition, there is lots of pressure to choose a racial identity from the outside. Although this may be the case for many mixed raced people, I interpret my experience a little differently. I feel like when I revealed that I was half-Japanese, people automatically registered that as exotic or unusual or foreign. When I revealed my identity, I was no longer all of me, but "half" of me. People completely forgot about my white identity and automatically grilled me on what made me exotic and different. "COOL can you speak it? Will you speak some right now? What does this mean, "ching chong ching chong ching wing wang?" Have you heard this joke?"
Regardless, there are typically very painful experiences associated with the question "What are you?", and when this woman asked me what my nationality was at my work, all of these experiences flashed through my mind. Typically, I reply like a smart ass by answering the question in "the wrong way". Usually my answer to "What nationality are you?" is "Oh I'm American, specifically United States-ian" or something along those lines. Here's the kicker... In this particular situation, I straight up told the woman that I was Hapa, Half-Japanese and Half-White. Why? Because she appeared to be a woman of color. If she looked white, or if it was a white man, I would fight to keep my identity to myself.
So what is the difference between a white person asking and a person of color (PoC) asking?
The woman immediately identified herself as the same thing. There was an immediate connection between us that I rarely feel. The knowledge and experience, though unique, are the same. But it wasn't a verbal gushing between us. It was just a knowing smile. She appeared to be much older than me. I wanted to know if my experience differed from hers because she seemed to be from a different generation.
I later realized that this is probably a uniquely mixed race person experience.
Anyway, the difference between a white person and a PoC asking is simple to me. Generally, I think the intentions behind the question are very different depending on who is asking the question. White people are "curious" and want to figure out where I fit in their mental race boxes. PoC, particularly mixed folks, are interested on who I am and understand that my racial identity plays a big role in my life. The difference, as you can see, is the fact that I know that PoC are trying to get to know me, where as I feel like white people are just trying to "figure me out". Like it's a game. In addition, I have many negative experiences associated with white people asking "What are you?"
I hope one day I can feel like everyone's intention is to get to know me so I don't have to feel like I'm on my guard about my identity all the time.
February 28, 2010
Want a heavy dose of Privilege? Go to the gym!
I recently got a membership to 24-hour fitness. I was excited! Now that I'm paying for it, I have no excuse not to go the gym and get back into the shape that I envision for myself. And I have gone every single day since. Why didn't I do this earlier?!? Oh yea, the rampant misogyny and coupled with that to a lesser extent, homophobia.
I think the most difficult aspect of going to this particular gym for me is how often I have to check myself. I can't believe how ingrained my reactions are when I see a woman that I find attractive. It's instantaneous. My eyes snap from face to butt before I have a chance to think about it. I beat myself up every time that happens but it's pretty out of control.
Is it possible for me to appreciate how physically attractive a stranger is without any sort of objectification?
No.
Staring is a form of objectification. "Appreciating" someone's physical appearance is a form of objectification because there is no way to know that person beyond their outward, physical appearance.
There was a guy who walked up to two women and said "you know, every time I see you two lift, you always have really good form!" My lifting partner and I looked at each other like "Did that really happen? What a fuckin creeper!" But when I started to break it down, I realized that he was being sincere and probably really meant it as a compliment. But at the same time, he doesn't realize the impact of what he's saying. The two women were visibly uncomfortable and quickly moved to a different exercise. What if they were in the middle of a set and this guy confronting them caused them to shorten their work out? That's not fair. I felt like it was the perfect manifestation of Intent vs. Impact and how much privilege can affect that because that guy had no clue what the impact of his compliment was.
Then I started to feel conflicted. I wanted to say something. But at the same time, being a male, I didn't want to come off as "saving" these women as if they can't take care of themselves. Even if my intention was that I personally wanted to make the space safer by telling this guy that what he said was inappropriate, it could be perceived in any number of ways. I guess my question is, if I make that guy more aware of the impact of his words, despite his intent, does it really matter if I come off as a savior? Is there a right way and a wrong way to create safer spaces?
One thing I have to remember is my privileged perspective. I didn't immediately think that when a woman goes to the gym, they have to contend with all of those eyes, and who knows what's going through the minds of the men blatantly staring at a woman's ass. I can't imagine the cumulative effect of negotiating those thoughts every single trip to the gym. I can do my part by not contributing to that.
The friend I went to the gym with identifies as a gay Chinese man. We are extremely good friends and we talk about our identities all the time and the effects of privilege and the different perspectives we come across. Usually, we're both very open about talking about queer issues, but I hold back a lot of our identity talk at the gym. I feel unsafe revealing his identity (and mine to some extent) because of my perception of the people who use this gym. I have heard of more attacks in my town on queer folk than I have about racially charged attacks. So the fear of being ourselves is very prevalent in my consciousness while we're lifting at this particular gym. That's bullshit. I should be able to talk about whatever the hell I want without the fear of getting jumped in the locker room or the parking lot. But the reality of our situation is very different.
Perhaps that is a measuring stick for how far we've come. The gym seems like the final frontier for conquering privilege in many forms.
I think the most difficult aspect of going to this particular gym for me is how often I have to check myself. I can't believe how ingrained my reactions are when I see a woman that I find attractive. It's instantaneous. My eyes snap from face to butt before I have a chance to think about it. I beat myself up every time that happens but it's pretty out of control.
Is it possible for me to appreciate how physically attractive a stranger is without any sort of objectification?
No.
Staring is a form of objectification. "Appreciating" someone's physical appearance is a form of objectification because there is no way to know that person beyond their outward, physical appearance.
There was a guy who walked up to two women and said "you know, every time I see you two lift, you always have really good form!" My lifting partner and I looked at each other like "Did that really happen? What a fuckin creeper!" But when I started to break it down, I realized that he was being sincere and probably really meant it as a compliment. But at the same time, he doesn't realize the impact of what he's saying. The two women were visibly uncomfortable and quickly moved to a different exercise. What if they were in the middle of a set and this guy confronting them caused them to shorten their work out? That's not fair. I felt like it was the perfect manifestation of Intent vs. Impact and how much privilege can affect that because that guy had no clue what the impact of his compliment was.
Then I started to feel conflicted. I wanted to say something. But at the same time, being a male, I didn't want to come off as "saving" these women as if they can't take care of themselves. Even if my intention was that I personally wanted to make the space safer by telling this guy that what he said was inappropriate, it could be perceived in any number of ways. I guess my question is, if I make that guy more aware of the impact of his words, despite his intent, does it really matter if I come off as a savior? Is there a right way and a wrong way to create safer spaces?
One thing I have to remember is my privileged perspective. I didn't immediately think that when a woman goes to the gym, they have to contend with all of those eyes, and who knows what's going through the minds of the men blatantly staring at a woman's ass. I can't imagine the cumulative effect of negotiating those thoughts every single trip to the gym. I can do my part by not contributing to that.
The friend I went to the gym with identifies as a gay Chinese man. We are extremely good friends and we talk about our identities all the time and the effects of privilege and the different perspectives we come across. Usually, we're both very open about talking about queer issues, but I hold back a lot of our identity talk at the gym. I feel unsafe revealing his identity (and mine to some extent) because of my perception of the people who use this gym. I have heard of more attacks in my town on queer folk than I have about racially charged attacks. So the fear of being ourselves is very prevalent in my consciousness while we're lifting at this particular gym. That's bullshit. I should be able to talk about whatever the hell I want without the fear of getting jumped in the locker room or the parking lot. But the reality of our situation is very different.
Perhaps that is a measuring stick for how far we've come. The gym seems like the final frontier for conquering privilege in many forms.
February 15, 2010
We Crack Jokes While Singing The Blues
One of my favorite lines from my favorite artists, the Blue Scholars, is from their song "Bayani":
"Recognize it's serious but ain't afraid to clown"
This is a fabulous point. Constant negativity is boring and exhausting and we need to find ways to make this work fun. But it's very difficult to do given the hurt and pain that usually comes with facing issues of privilege.
For example, today at work my co-worker/boss said she needs to get hydrated. And I responded by saying that my piss was clear so I'm good. She immediately responded by saying something like "yea i just checked mine and its a little too yellow". I felt a little bit of revulsion.
Then I started thinking... What gives me the right to say whatever the hell I want and not think twice, but when a woman talks about or says the same thing, I throw up a little in my mouth? The answer is male privilege.
Fuck male privilege
"Recognize it's serious but ain't afraid to clown"
This is a fabulous point. Constant negativity is boring and exhausting and we need to find ways to make this work fun. But it's very difficult to do given the hurt and pain that usually comes with facing issues of privilege.
For example, today at work my co-worker/boss said she needs to get hydrated. And I responded by saying that my piss was clear so I'm good. She immediately responded by saying something like "yea i just checked mine and its a little too yellow". I felt a little bit of revulsion.
Then I started thinking... What gives me the right to say whatever the hell I want and not think twice, but when a woman talks about or says the same thing, I throw up a little in my mouth? The answer is male privilege.
Fuck male privilege
What's in It for White People?
One of the most important questions for social justice advocates is "what's in it for White People"? Why would white people want to level the playing field? Why give up these privileges that this country worked centuries to give?
I have a very good friend, and for the sake of this post, I'm gonna name him Ecirb. He self identifies as a white heterosexual male who is in his upper 30's. How he grew up is very important to who he is and his current situation, but that doesn't matter in the context of this discussion because he looks like a white guy. He is an Ethnic Studies Major and I am proud to say that he is a social justice advocate, not that I'm the end all to determining who is and isn't an advocate.
Him and I talk about many things, but recently our discussion has been centered around the perception of white people in general social justice spaces. Just a warning, this is a very multi-layered, complex, and difficult situation to deconstruct, but I am going to try. In addition, I'm not saying that Ecirb's situation applies to all white hetero males in social justice but I think there are very important lessons to be drawn from his experience.
These are a small sampling of some of his experiences as best as I can recall them, and I will try to be as objective as possible since these are "facts" according to Ecrib. These experiences are very important in deconstructing the role of white hetero men in social justice:
There is one thing that I make clear to him every time this conversation comes up. No matter WHO he is, the fact that he APPEARS to be a white male makes it very difficult to operate within a social justice environment. I constantly tell him that his phenotype conjures up for most people of color (PoC) an ENTIRE LIFETIME of negative experiences and that is something he cannot help and must overcome. I think he gets that, but it is also easy to forget such a privilege to be able to walk around and not have to worry about how your very physical appearance is enough to incite painful experiences.
The consequence of this is that he must prove himself. He has to work harder to be legit or make friends in this department. He has no issue with the fact that he has to work harder, and neither do I. This is the consequence of centuries of oppression: that excellent people such as Ecirb must work hard to become basic friends with excellent people such as the PoC in the Ethnic Studies Department. It becomes extremely problematic for me when some of the PoC and some white women (WW) DON'T GIVE HIM A CHANCE to prove himself. I understand that it's safer to assume the worst with white people. It's a safety mechanism. I do it too. But to shut out people like Ecirb and to suppress/ignore what he has to say is detrimental to everyone.
In fact, not giving Ecrib a chance GOES AGAINST WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR. Ending the isms will take every individual, and it is counter-productive and ignorant to exclude anyone on the basis of what they look like. Take the hint people! He's majoring in Ethnic Studies in his late 30's. Maybe he knows more about bigotry then you do just from how much longer he's been alive? Maybe so, maybe not, but he said he was used to getting treated this way and it wasn't until recently that the full weight of what he's facing really hit him.
This is a very careful balance though. I took me a long time to realize that I HAVE to give white people a chance to prove themselves, but white people have to understand that it is an uphill battle to prove themselves. And just like some white people aren't worth talking to because they're SO STUPID AND RACIST, some PoC and WW are the same way. You do not have to prove yourself to these people because there is nothing you could say or do to change their mind.
One other criticism I have is that I don't feel like any PoC's have his back. Like there's a social consequence to defending a white guy. How about you defend your FRIEND??
I don't do this enough, but I need to remind Ecirb that he needs to stay humble. No one is asking him to lead us out to the promise land. In fact, he CAN'T be a predominant leader in a social justice movement because of his identity. This space is for PoC and to some small extent WW. He can support but he can't lead. That invokes the White Savior Complex. White male arrogance will get him thrown off the boat and ruin his credibility.
On the other hand, he needs to realize that the real work to be done isn't with a community of PoC, but his responsibility is in a community of white people in respect to race, men in respect to gender, and straight people in respect to sexual orientation. He has the advantage in those spaces. This is where his privilege of credibility can be used to his/our advantage. These are spaces where he can be a leader.
There is much work to be done in both groups. The social justice movement needs to get its shit together just as much as white people do. We all have room to learn and grow.
So what's in it for white people? I have my theories... But I want to hear yours.
I have a very good friend, and for the sake of this post, I'm gonna name him Ecirb. He self identifies as a white heterosexual male who is in his upper 30's. How he grew up is very important to who he is and his current situation, but that doesn't matter in the context of this discussion because he looks like a white guy. He is an Ethnic Studies Major and I am proud to say that he is a social justice advocate, not that I'm the end all to determining who is and isn't an advocate.
Him and I talk about many things, but recently our discussion has been centered around the perception of white people in general social justice spaces. Just a warning, this is a very multi-layered, complex, and difficult situation to deconstruct, but I am going to try. In addition, I'm not saying that Ecirb's situation applies to all white hetero males in social justice but I think there are very important lessons to be drawn from his experience.
These are a small sampling of some of his experiences as best as I can recall them, and I will try to be as objective as possible since these are "facts" according to Ecrib. These experiences are very important in deconstructing the role of white hetero men in social justice:
- There is a lobby area for Ethnic Studies students that contains a couch and computers. It is a wonderful space to congregate and talk about social justice issues and class since it is a relatively small department. Ecirb tells me that when he is alone with one of his friends (in this case it happens to be a woman of color (WoC), she is open and very interested in what he has to say and very involved in the conversation. But when other's walk in, she becomes aloof, almost as if she doesn't know him.
- One time, he walked into the room with a friend of his who appears to be a black hetero male and there was the buzz of conversation. When he walks in, the room goes quiet and Ecrib's friend says "He's cool" and points to Ecrib.
- He feels ignored in class. Or most of his comments are met with resistance. Or people quickly dismiss his comment.
- He is very up-front with his opinions. If you are being a bigot, he will say it to your face because that's how he deals with it.
There is one thing that I make clear to him every time this conversation comes up. No matter WHO he is, the fact that he APPEARS to be a white male makes it very difficult to operate within a social justice environment. I constantly tell him that his phenotype conjures up for most people of color (PoC) an ENTIRE LIFETIME of negative experiences and that is something he cannot help and must overcome. I think he gets that, but it is also easy to forget such a privilege to be able to walk around and not have to worry about how your very physical appearance is enough to incite painful experiences.
The consequence of this is that he must prove himself. He has to work harder to be legit or make friends in this department. He has no issue with the fact that he has to work harder, and neither do I. This is the consequence of centuries of oppression: that excellent people such as Ecirb must work hard to become basic friends with excellent people such as the PoC in the Ethnic Studies Department. It becomes extremely problematic for me when some of the PoC and some white women (WW) DON'T GIVE HIM A CHANCE to prove himself. I understand that it's safer to assume the worst with white people. It's a safety mechanism. I do it too. But to shut out people like Ecirb and to suppress/ignore what he has to say is detrimental to everyone.
In fact, not giving Ecrib a chance GOES AGAINST WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR. Ending the isms will take every individual, and it is counter-productive and ignorant to exclude anyone on the basis of what they look like. Take the hint people! He's majoring in Ethnic Studies in his late 30's. Maybe he knows more about bigotry then you do just from how much longer he's been alive? Maybe so, maybe not, but he said he was used to getting treated this way and it wasn't until recently that the full weight of what he's facing really hit him.
This is a very careful balance though. I took me a long time to realize that I HAVE to give white people a chance to prove themselves, but white people have to understand that it is an uphill battle to prove themselves. And just like some white people aren't worth talking to because they're SO STUPID AND RACIST, some PoC and WW are the same way. You do not have to prove yourself to these people because there is nothing you could say or do to change their mind.
One other criticism I have is that I don't feel like any PoC's have his back. Like there's a social consequence to defending a white guy. How about you defend your FRIEND??
I don't do this enough, but I need to remind Ecirb that he needs to stay humble. No one is asking him to lead us out to the promise land. In fact, he CAN'T be a predominant leader in a social justice movement because of his identity. This space is for PoC and to some small extent WW. He can support but he can't lead. That invokes the White Savior Complex. White male arrogance will get him thrown off the boat and ruin his credibility.
On the other hand, he needs to realize that the real work to be done isn't with a community of PoC, but his responsibility is in a community of white people in respect to race, men in respect to gender, and straight people in respect to sexual orientation. He has the advantage in those spaces. This is where his privilege of credibility can be used to his/our advantage. These are spaces where he can be a leader.
There is much work to be done in both groups. The social justice movement needs to get its shit together just as much as white people do. We all have room to learn and grow.
So what's in it for white people? I have my theories... But I want to hear yours.
February 11, 2010
Learning the Hard Way
I think it's clear that the amount of pain you feel is proportional to how much love you're willing to give. The more you're willing to Love, the stronger the pain of losing that Love.
I'm in a very critical point in my partnership. I think (hope) its still possible for us to rediscover each other and be willing to put in the work to make it work. I think both of us see how much work it really takes, but are scared and intimidated by it. Plus, we're young. We got our lives ahead of us and a lot of growing to do.
Then why does this feel like the most important time in my life?
I know my reasoning and logic are clouded when I'm feeling my emotions spiraling out of control like they currently are. Hopefully getting my thoughts out there will ease the pain... but the following thoughts are clouded by insecurities and self-hatred.
Currently, I feel like "Y" is making it perfectly clear that she'd rather hang out and be with her new found friends over putting in the effort to try and make this partnership work. Every night for a week now, she hasn't been home before 11PM. Then we talk till it's late, wearing both of us out.
I think a lot of my jealousy stems from deep insecurities. In these situations, I'm used to lashing out. I used to say things like "Looks like you're enjoying the single life!" even though we aren't fully single. I used to say things like "You might as well sleep at his place again" even though I know she won't. I used to say things like "Is he bigger or something?" even though I now she would never cheat on me. Now I have those thoughts running through my head but I'm able to keep them in. But I feel my defenses weakening. And what does it mean that I have these thoughts in the first place? Shouldn't I be confident enough to not have any of those thoughts? When will I grow up?
I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to try and work with me. I'm stubborn, closed off, and when I feel vulnerable, my privilege runs rampant. It's a dirty game, since I consider myself someone who is well versed in the ways of privilege. I self analyze all the time and without a fresh view, that can get very dangerous. It's an inbreeding of thoughts.
What makes it difficult is the human ability to interpret a situation however they want. I can look at any situation that we're in or she's in and mold it to suit my needs. So for example, Y is spending tons of time with one guy. I could say that she's cheating on me if I want to break up angry and never talk to her again (I don't). I could say that she's leaving me so she can be with him (she isn't). Or I could use the explanation above. If we all have the ability to do this, how do we meet on a common ground? and what if one of us is more stubborn, or is convinced beyond sensible argument? I'm sure there are tons of people like that. How do they make any progress on their relationship? I'm one to actively listen to Y and try to come up with a compromise. There are times when I listen, realize that she's right, and admit that I made a mistake. There are times where I really think we're both right, but I end up compromising (or at least feeling like I'm compromising) for the sake of maintaining relationship zen. And i think that needs to happen too, but it needs to be balanced. Both sides need to sacrifice. I also think it's extremely difficult to recognize or even realize that your partner is making a sacrifice for the relationship since you just finished winning an argument. There are times where I know I'm right, and she's too stubborn to hear me so I don't bother arguing to maintain relationship zen. If this is the case, it will raise red flags in my head from now on. In a partnership, we should be able to listen to each other and recognize that in many cases, because of our past experiences, WE'RE BOTH RIGHT.
That's why open communication is so important in relationships. A friend of mine told me that her and her parter talk about their identities ALL the time. I think this will be my saving grace. I think this requires full openness and trust. This presents a fairly big problem for me though. I'm naturally very closed off, helped of course by a lifetime training in masculinity, which taught me not to have feelings. And if I do, they don't matter and expressing them is showing weakness. In addition, being non-white in this country trains me to trust no one but myself. I feel like EVERY single time I've revealed my feelings or something about my past, I got BURNED. Hopefully, whoever I befriend will understand how long it takes for me to trust. And hopefully I reveal early that aspect of my identity so they know.
I'm in a very critical point in my partnership. I think (hope) its still possible for us to rediscover each other and be willing to put in the work to make it work. I think both of us see how much work it really takes, but are scared and intimidated by it. Plus, we're young. We got our lives ahead of us and a lot of growing to do.
Then why does this feel like the most important time in my life?
I know my reasoning and logic are clouded when I'm feeling my emotions spiraling out of control like they currently are. Hopefully getting my thoughts out there will ease the pain... but the following thoughts are clouded by insecurities and self-hatred.
Currently, I feel like "Y" is making it perfectly clear that she'd rather hang out and be with her new found friends over putting in the effort to try and make this partnership work. Every night for a week now, she hasn't been home before 11PM. Then we talk till it's late, wearing both of us out.
I think a lot of my jealousy stems from deep insecurities. In these situations, I'm used to lashing out. I used to say things like "Looks like you're enjoying the single life!" even though we aren't fully single. I used to say things like "You might as well sleep at his place again" even though I know she won't. I used to say things like "Is he bigger or something?" even though I now she would never cheat on me. Now I have those thoughts running through my head but I'm able to keep them in. But I feel my defenses weakening. And what does it mean that I have these thoughts in the first place? Shouldn't I be confident enough to not have any of those thoughts? When will I grow up?
I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to try and work with me. I'm stubborn, closed off, and when I feel vulnerable, my privilege runs rampant. It's a dirty game, since I consider myself someone who is well versed in the ways of privilege. I self analyze all the time and without a fresh view, that can get very dangerous. It's an inbreeding of thoughts.
What makes it difficult is the human ability to interpret a situation however they want. I can look at any situation that we're in or she's in and mold it to suit my needs. So for example, Y is spending tons of time with one guy. I could say that she's cheating on me if I want to break up angry and never talk to her again (I don't). I could say that she's leaving me so she can be with him (she isn't). Or I could use the explanation above. If we all have the ability to do this, how do we meet on a common ground? and what if one of us is more stubborn, or is convinced beyond sensible argument? I'm sure there are tons of people like that. How do they make any progress on their relationship? I'm one to actively listen to Y and try to come up with a compromise. There are times when I listen, realize that she's right, and admit that I made a mistake. There are times where I really think we're both right, but I end up compromising (or at least feeling like I'm compromising) for the sake of maintaining relationship zen. And i think that needs to happen too, but it needs to be balanced. Both sides need to sacrifice. I also think it's extremely difficult to recognize or even realize that your partner is making a sacrifice for the relationship since you just finished winning an argument. There are times where I know I'm right, and she's too stubborn to hear me so I don't bother arguing to maintain relationship zen. If this is the case, it will raise red flags in my head from now on. In a partnership, we should be able to listen to each other and recognize that in many cases, because of our past experiences, WE'RE BOTH RIGHT.
That's why open communication is so important in relationships. A friend of mine told me that her and her parter talk about their identities ALL the time. I think this will be my saving grace. I think this requires full openness and trust. This presents a fairly big problem for me though. I'm naturally very closed off, helped of course by a lifetime training in masculinity, which taught me not to have feelings. And if I do, they don't matter and expressing them is showing weakness. In addition, being non-white in this country trains me to trust no one but myself. I feel like EVERY single time I've revealed my feelings or something about my past, I got BURNED. Hopefully, whoever I befriend will understand how long it takes for me to trust. And hopefully I reveal early that aspect of my identity so they know.
February 10, 2010
The Definition of Privilege
One thing I have to make clear, I hate research. So unless I happen across a reference I can use, don't expect a whole lot of links to other sources. With that said, I suppose it would be appropriate to start this post with some musings about the definition of privilege.
My short, 2-word definition of privilege is an "unearned right".
The long definition would take writing down a lifetime of experiences, novels, and then making a connection between all of them. Privilege seems to be a galaxy, endless and infinitely expanding. It manifests everywhere. But why does it seem like it's still a big secret to the world? That's because it's very difficult to recognize where or what privilege is. It is the air we breath. It's like telling a fish what water is, or explaining to a penguin the concept of lift and flight. A penguin can see other birds have the privilege of flight, be envious and understand all the science that goes into flight, how to fight it, but never be able to attain it themselves.
I read something about the New York public school system where one of the children that were interviewed had a great insight. He said something along the lines of how privilege happens when a luxury becomes a necessity. So for example, before I had a car, life was great, easy, and I could get around just fine. As soon as I get a car, I forget about all that and get PISSED when my car doesn't work. Well having a car is a privilege.
There's all sorts of different privilege, many of them relating to identities.
My short, 2-word definition of privilege is an "unearned right".
The long definition would take writing down a lifetime of experiences, novels, and then making a connection between all of them. Privilege seems to be a galaxy, endless and infinitely expanding. It manifests everywhere. But why does it seem like it's still a big secret to the world? That's because it's very difficult to recognize where or what privilege is. It is the air we breath. It's like telling a fish what water is, or explaining to a penguin the concept of lift and flight. A penguin can see other birds have the privilege of flight, be envious and understand all the science that goes into flight, how to fight it, but never be able to attain it themselves.
I read something about the New York public school system where one of the children that were interviewed had a great insight. He said something along the lines of how privilege happens when a luxury becomes a necessity. So for example, before I had a car, life was great, easy, and I could get around just fine. As soon as I get a car, I forget about all that and get PISSED when my car doesn't work. Well having a car is a privilege.
There's all sorts of different privilege, many of them relating to identities.
My Blogging Initiation
I'm not a writer, but I think writing, language and music are beautiful. I envy those who can speak it, sing it, and write it effortlessly to create something beautiful. I always thought that blogging had a bit of an arrogance to it and humility is one of my most treasured values. I've only recently realized that blogging isn't just about me, it's about community and support. I feel like I have a lot in my mind and my heart that weighs me down. Perhaps this will be an avenue for me to feel lighter. I'm not sure what sort of direction this blog will go. It could become very personal at times just to make myself feel better, or it could be about wanting questions answered, but I will almost always try to deconstruct some aspect of privilege.
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