Using Me Against Me

One of my favorite quotes is from an article from Racialicious.com:

"potentially we like to refer to people in halves, becuase even as the entire world is an inextricable, bloody mash-up of hundreds of different ethnic groups, we still like to imagine racial groups as separate, impenetrable, sanitised entities."

This resonated deep in my core. I can't tell you how many times my racial identity has been separated, pitted against each other, and always, always used against me. For example, I get an A on an exam and my classmates say "Pshaw, it's cuz you're Asian and you're good at math," as if I am genetically predispositioned to ace a test. It's not that I studied long hours, its cuz of my race. "You didn't get an A on that test? What's wrong with you? Your whiteness is showing." Cuz you know... White people like yourself pass on the idiot gene through the family.

So today at work, my boss, who identifies as a white female, who's from Atlanta, told me she went to an "Asian Fusion" restaurant. I had eaten there a few times before, andI'm pretty sure it's owned by a Korean, but the man makes great sushi. She asked me during the course of our conversation whether or not I've had a sake bomb (notice that the person in the picture appears to be white).

I immediately responded, "No, and I never will"

Her: "Why"

Me: "Because it's an insult to my culture."

Her: "Why? You're half white"

TRIGGER

I'm not sure how it happens, but ignorance still manages to surprise me by kicking me in the balls from time to time.

Honestly, if she would have let me explain, I don't think it would have been an issue. But she immediately coupled the "why" with my racial identity. She had already made up her mind that in no way was a sake bomb insulting to me by denying my Japanese-ness and not even caring to listen to an explanation. I felt like she was saying I can be either a white american or Japanese, not both. And maybe this one incident by itself is fairly insignificant, and I should shrug it off. But the cumulative effect of my entire life experience makes this one incident very significant. And honestly, if I, the more Japanese one out of the two of us, says that sake bombs are an insult to my culture, I shouldn't have to explain myself. Just fucking take it as it is. A quick Wikipedia look up and you'll understand.

The fact is, being Japanese is an enormous part of who I am and it's a culture I identify with. What I struggle with most is identifying as an American, because for me that implies that an American is white. In addition, I struggle with the fact that I am an American first. Since the sake bomb is strictly an American invention, shouldn't I be cool with it? What is it about my Japanese culture that "trumps" this aspect of my United Statesian culture? Am I actually separating my races on my own?

If sake bombs are actually in reference to the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, then people should stop cuz that's just sick and wrong.

Personally, I have great reverence for rice. My ancestors basically lived off it. It's used in many different ways and it has many deep cultural meanings. Sake is a part of that culture (since sake is wine made from rice). And yes, there are many similarities in Japan's alcohol culture to the US (although just from my experience, I'm not sure people binge there as much. But I'm not an expert). It's not like sake is worshipped (by most people). And I don't care if you like sake bombs. Do your thing. It's just that I would never do it and I think maybe my boss interpreted my response as if I was asking her to never do it.

Anyway, beyond the initial ignorance, I couldn't bring up the nerve to talk to her about it later. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even notice that something deeply emotional was stirring inside me. I just couldn't find the energy and patience it would take to have that conversation. Plus, I didn't want to show vulnerability to someone who just hurt me without really knowing. If she could inadvertently (I think it was inadvertent... Maybe she knew she was using my race against me but didn't/couldn't know the impact) use my race against me, imagine what she could do on purpose if I opened up to her and explained that I was hurt by what she said. For me, it was a risk to bring it up.

And guess what's most messed up about this whole thing? I feel guilty. I have guilt for letting an opportunity to educate pass me by. I have guilt that I didn't handle the situation better. I feel guilt for still feeling triggered by ignorance.

Fuck guilt...

"What Nationality Are You?"

I don't care how colorblind you think you are, if you grew up in American society, a society of boxes, you see differences in skin and gender. In addition, I believe we all have assumptions based on someone's outward appearance that automatically register in our subconscious. When you see an Asian man, there are immediate responses and images in your head that you are aware of or not. A woman came to my place of work, a restaurant, and while I served her some soup she straight up asked me "What nationality are you?"

Now, if you are not multiracial or mixed or however you choose to identify, listen closely because the answer to this question is this:

It's none of your fucking business

The question "who are you" and its variations are a form of othering. Why? Because you don't run around asking everyone you meet this question, just the people who don't fit neatly into your race boxes. Most mixed race people experience a life time of this. In addition, there is lots of pressure to choose a racial identity from the outside. Although this may be the case for many mixed raced people, I interpret my experience a little differently. I feel like when I revealed that I was half-Japanese, people automatically registered that as exotic or unusual or foreign. When  I revealed my identity, I was no longer all of me, but "half" of me. People completely forgot about my white identity and automatically grilled me on what made me exotic and different. "COOL can you speak it? Will you speak some right now? What does this mean, "ching chong ching chong ching wing wang?" Have you heard this joke?"

Regardless, there are typically very painful experiences associated with the question "What are you?", and when this woman asked me what my nationality was at my work, all of these experiences flashed through my mind. Typically, I reply like a smart ass by answering the question in "the wrong way". Usually my answer to "What nationality are you?" is "Oh I'm American, specifically United States-ian" or something along those lines. Here's the kicker... In this particular situation, I straight up told the woman that I was Hapa, Half-Japanese and Half-White. Why? Because she appeared to be a woman of color. If she looked white, or if it was a white man, I would fight to keep my identity to myself.

So what is the difference between a white person asking and a person of color (PoC) asking?

The woman immediately identified herself as the same thing. There was an immediate connection between us that I rarely feel. The knowledge and experience, though unique, are the same. But it wasn't a verbal gushing between us. It was just a knowing smile. She appeared to be much older than me. I wanted to know if my experience differed from hers because she seemed to be from a different generation.

I later realized that this is probably a uniquely mixed race person experience.

Anyway, the difference between a white person and a PoC asking is simple to me. Generally, I think the intentions behind the question are very different depending on who is asking the question. White people are "curious" and want to figure out where I fit in their mental race boxes. PoC, particularly mixed folks, are interested on who I am and understand that my racial identity plays a big role in my life. The difference, as you can see, is the fact that I know that PoC are trying to get to know me, where as I feel like white people are just trying to "figure me out". Like it's a game. In addition, I have many negative experiences associated with white people asking "What are you?"

I hope one day I can feel like everyone's intention is to get to know me so I don't have to feel like I'm on my guard about my identity all the time.