This resonated deep in my core. I can't tell you how many times my racial identity has been separated, pitted against each other, and always, always used against me. For example, I get an A on an exam and my classmates say "Pshaw, it's cuz you're Asian and you're good at math," as if I am genetically predispositioned to ace a test. It's not that I studied long hours, its cuz of my race. "You didn't get an A on that test? What's wrong with you? Your whiteness is showing." Cuz you know... White people like yourself pass on the idiot gene through the family.
So today at work, my boss, who identifies as a white female, who's from Atlanta, told me she went to an "Asian Fusion" restaurant. I had eaten there a few times before, andI'm pretty sure it's owned by a Korean, but the man makes great sushi. She asked me during the course of our conversation whether or not I've had a sake bomb (notice that the person in the picture appears to be white).
I immediately responded, "No, and I never will"
Her: "Why"
Me: "Because it's an insult to my culture."
Her: "Why? You're half white"
TRIGGER
I'm not sure how it happens, but ignorance still manages to surprise me by kicking me in the balls from time to time.
Honestly, if she would have let me explain, I don't think it would have been an issue. But she immediately coupled the "why" with my racial identity. She had already made up her mind that in no way was a sake bomb insulting to me by denying my Japanese-ness and not even caring to listen to an explanation. I felt like she was saying I can be either a white american or Japanese, not both. And maybe this one incident by itself is fairly insignificant, and I should shrug it off. But the cumulative effect of my entire life experience makes this one incident very significant. And honestly, if I, the more Japanese one out of the two of us, says that sake bombs are an insult to my culture, I shouldn't have to explain myself. Just fucking take it as it is. A quick Wikipedia look up and you'll understand.
The fact is, being Japanese is an enormous part of who I am and it's a culture I identify with. What I struggle with most is identifying as an American, because for me that implies that an American is white. In addition, I struggle with the fact that I am an American first. Since the sake bomb is strictly an American invention, shouldn't I be cool with it? What is it about my Japanese culture that "trumps" this aspect of my United Statesian culture? Am I actually separating my races on my own?
If sake bombs are actually in reference to the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, then people should stop cuz that's just sick and wrong.
Personally, I have great reverence for rice. My ancestors basically lived off it. It's used in many different ways and it has many deep cultural meanings. Sake is a part of that culture (since sake is wine made from rice). And yes, there are many similarities in Japan's alcohol culture to the US (although just from my experience, I'm not sure people binge there as much. But I'm not an expert). It's not like sake is worshipped (by most people). And I don't care if you like sake bombs. Do your thing. It's just that I would never do it and I think maybe my boss interpreted my response as if I was asking her to never do it.
Anyway, beyond the initial ignorance, I couldn't bring up the nerve to talk to her about it later. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even notice that something deeply emotional was stirring inside me. I just couldn't find the energy and patience it would take to have that conversation. Plus, I didn't want to show vulnerability to someone who just hurt me without really knowing. If she could inadvertently (I think it was inadvertent... Maybe she knew she was using my race against me but didn't/couldn't know the impact) use my race against me, imagine what she could do on purpose if I opened up to her and explained that I was hurt by what she said. For me, it was a risk to bring it up.
And guess what's most messed up about this whole thing? I feel guilty. I have guilt for letting an opportunity to educate pass me by. I have guilt that I didn't handle the situation better. I feel guilt for still feeling triggered by ignorance.
Fuck guilt...
